It’s easy to break people’s heart. But to mend it back, through experience I say, it takes a very long time. Its painstaking for me to relive that day when a close friendship between two friends, who lived through years of childhood together, broke within a couple of seconds. Each time as I go back to that day, my heart breaks and my conscience hurts. That day brings me into light of how foolish and how careless I’ve been. But now I relive that day, just for the last time. But this time, with hope, with a much clearer conscience and with a burning zeal to never live such days again in my life.
While I kept arguing, he kept listening patiently. While I spoke out my mind, not my heart, clearly to him, a tear dropped through his eyes, but yet he kept listening patiently. It was like the phone didn’t have anyone else on the other line and I was talking like a fool. But now when I think over it, assuredly I say, I have been a fool. Misunderstandings did happen, otherwise why would I scream over the phone like some animal? And while I complained that he didn’t take an effort to work over the misunderstanding, I never took an effort to understand his pain. I just couldn’t put my feet in his shoes. It seemed like unthankful ground, it seemed like indifference. But was I the indifferent?
But all that didn’t make things better. In my haste, I called him up again making things worse. “Beep…beep”…and the phone was cut. Those ‘beeps’ made my heart to beat a hundred times faster. It felt like maybe that was the last time I ever spoke to him again. The very next day, I penned down an obligatory sorry letter. But he didn’t bother to reply. Again the next day, I beautified my words and penned down another obligatory letter. But he didn’t bother to reply again. While this continued for another few days, I tried to console myself that he might be just too busy to reply.
Through all this I maintained my stand that I was right and he was wrong though the letters spoke something different. But as I relived those days again, my conscience kept pricking me that I was the one at fault. I tried to put myself into his shoes to correct myself. I did find my mistakes, but his mistakes seemed greater to me than mine. But the guilt in my conscience didn’t spare me. It kept haunting me even in my dreams.
Even after a month into the incident, things didn’t get better neither did my guilt stop haunting me. Deep inside, I longed for a restoration. I longed for forgiveness. I longed to tell him that I’m sorry. But was this longing a true one? I wondered why years of such a close relationship should break within a few seconds. I began blaming myself for the whole situation. But all this just kept adding up to my guilt. In my pain, I again wrote down a letter to him. I was really afraid to talk to him personally fearing that I would land up saying something that would break his heart again. With high hopes I wrote a letter to him from a more sincere heart. But this time, I got a reply.
But his reply wasn’t at all nice. All that I remember in his reply is “I don’t want to be friends with you again”. This really hurt me to the core. I was even ready to go to the greatest possible extent to find my lost friendship. But this statement really put me down. Guilt got over me. I really didn’t find any pleasure in life.
I prayed to God earnestly to get me out of this mess. Even in my prayers I tried to goof up the whole incident. But God really wasn’t pleased with that. I had to be open at least in the sight of God. And if I wasn’t going to do that, God clearly told me that he wasn’t going to help me out of this situation. He made things difficult for me till I ran to my knees confessing myself before him. In his mighty love and grace, he made things better and restored me back my lost friendship. It didn’t happen in a day! It took another two months for me to actually begin talking with him like before. God was working, but it was a real test to my patience. If God wouldn’t have helped me control my emotions, maybe I would’ve done something foolish in the course of time.
Through this entire incident, God broke my ego. He taught me that it doesn’t cost much to accept that you are the one at fault. He taught me how to say sorry. He taught me to put in sincere efforts to take very good care of relationships. He taught me that relationships are not made in one day, but it requires a lot of patience and hard work from you.
Now when I look back to those days, I thank God for all that has happened. Though it took more than three months for things to get better, it was a journey never to be forgotten. You may say that I overdid the whole scenario. But though it sounds a bit too much for a person to do to get himself reconciled, its true of me! Why couldn’t he be the person to get reconciled back with me? Hey, why not I? If the love of God is really there in me, I should be the one to ask for forgiveness. And now as I read 2Cor. 7:11 God reassures me that he has honored my prayers.
“For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.”
Is this true repentance?