December 31, 2007

Walking back through my phases of life

Sitting back at the end of this year, I really find myself in mixed emotions of what has happened to me through this year. Situations in life that made me sit back and take a second thought about myself. Times of learning and times of corrections, times of joy and times of deep sorrow, times of testing and times of failures; all this molded myself to what I am today. I find myself really hard to express myself and am incomplete in front of God.

This year began with studies that completely drained me out. For the first few months, time flew as it were just 8 hours per day. It was a new atmosphere for me for this was the first time I joined a coaching classes for studies. It was something I didn't preferred to do but somehow coped up with it. As time went by God was teaching me all through those months certain lessons through times of testing and troubles to really depend on God.

Earlier this year, God gave me the boldness to testify to the world that the he was indeed the Lord of my life through the water's of baptism. Baptism initially meant to me just a ticket to partake in the Lord's supper in the church. But then as time passed by, God really taught me what exactly does it mean to be baptized into the body of Christ. It meant to live like him. It meant from then on the world would recognize me as a Christian. But I still ask myself this question, "Does the world really see the Christ in me?" I really find myself unworthy to answer this question before God. As times would change and fashions would change I would find myself soon getting accustomed to those activities. But at the same time, I engaged myself a lot in the church activities and hated to miss any church meetings or activities. I would take pride in this that I could regularly attend the church activities and despised others who would find some excuse for being there. But God still loved me and corrected me hard. When I would hear sermons statements such as "coming to church regularly doesn't prove that you are growing as a Christian" really would prick me. He put situations and tests before me that made me come back home and think, "where was I wrong, what have I done wrong?" though I considered myself perfect in whatever I did. But then God put down my pride and made me to be humble before him, accept my failures humbly. It was only after that I could really find myself being used in the ministry. He taught me that the church is not my toy but his masterpiece and it is not I who can do anything for the church but God that does something through you.

God has blessed me with so many spiritual gifts that I could discover this year. Areas in life where I thought I could never be used, God is using me in so many ways. It was this year that I learnt that I could write stuff. It wasn't easy for me in the beginning to write a blog and keep updating it regularly. But God helped me find a purpose in writing too. Internet is such a wide spread media that even a small thing spreads like wildfire. God gave me a vision to reach out to this world through this blog and I could see him help me throughout. In church, he helped me use my talents in the singing ministry. Also he has helped me use my talents in the various children's clubs that have started. I could never find myself lacking anything because when I look back at the things that he has given me, it is a thing so wonderful almost too wonderful to be that God could love me so much.

"Could God really love me so much?" Its very difficult for me to answer this question but find myself surviving each day because of his love through all my unworthiness. When I look at my life and its failures, I find myself ashamed and depressed to think that I am such kind of a person who can give up myself to fulfill momentary pleasures of the flesh. Adolescent problems really troubled me much and I still pray to God daily to help me through these years. Pride in knowing much and being blessed in so many ways than others sometimes would take over myself. My personal life at times wouldn't quite live up to the claim that I made to be a child of God. I would really rebel against my parents and would try to find out all the possible faults in them. It was an age that I at the beginning found it cool in hanging out with my friends but later as time passed by God taught me to define the purpose of everything I did according to his will and use the stuff that he has given me for his glory. It was only then I found a satisfaction in everything God helped me to do and blessed my work. I could see myself really edifying others and being truly used in the church.

Various camps and programs that were held build me up spiritually. Much much more things God has done to me and I remember his faithfulness to an unworthy creation of his. I have put before you a quick glimpse of what my life has been this year.. Though I've put things n a hidden and general view, I really find myself able to relate each and every phrase written down here. AS this year goes by, I'd say, "It's the Lord's doing and it is marvelous in my eyes."

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